Do you find yourself often saying “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Are you the person who agrees to take on extra work, goes to events you don’t want to attend, and carries the emotional load of family members and friends … only to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, or maybe even resentful afterwards?
People-pleasing is more than being kind or helpful. It can become a concern when you repeatedly put other people’s needs, or expectations or even their approval ahead of your own well-being. This can leave you feeling depleted or empty. Research on non-assertiveness suggests that people who struggle to refuse requests may experience guilt and anxiety, particularly when they actually try to consider their own needs.
Am I a People-pleaser?
People-pleasing can show up in many ways, including:
Volunteering a yes before you consider whether you actually have the time, energy or the capacity to do what’s been asked of you.
Apologising frequently, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Avoiding disagreement because conflict is going to feel uncomfortable or too risky.
Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions or problems.
Feeling guilty when you say no.
Feeling guilty when you rest or ask for help.
Over-committing, then feeling stressed or resentful or burnt out.
Struggling to identify what YOU actually want or need.
Any and all of these patterns can be understandable. Many people learn early in life that keeping others happy feels much safer than voicing your own needs. But over time, constantly prioritising others and their needs can make it difficult to maintain healthy relationships and a sense of self.
Why saying no feels so difficult
Some people find that saying no can trigger a fear of rejection, conflict, criticism or being seen as a person who lets others down. You might worry that a boundary will make you seem selfish and unkind or just difficult.
However, a boundary is simply a clear statement about what you are able or not able to offer. Healthy boundaries can be protective because they make expectations clear and help to reduce resentment that can build up over time.
Practical ways to set boundaries
You do not need to become blunt or confrontational to stop people-pleasing. Just be clear and consistent and more respectful of your own limits.
1. Pause before responding
The next time someone asks for something, avoid answering straight away if the request is not urgent. Try saying:
“I need to check my schedule and will let you know by tomorrow.”
“I’ll have a think about that and come back to you.”
“I’m not able to decide right now.”
The pause can help to reshape the usual auto-response and gives you some space to work out whether you genuinely want to go along with the request being made.
2. Check your capacity
Key questions to ask yourself before agreeing:
Do I have the time and energy for this?
What will I have to give up if I say yes?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I am afraid of disappointing someone?
What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
It can helpful to write your answers down especially if you’re the type of person who tends to make decisions while emotionally overwhelmed.
3. Offer a clear and respectful refusal
You do not need a detailed excuse. Over-explaining can appear to invite negotiation and make the boundary you’ve tried to build feel less firm.
Try saying things like:
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not able to take that on at the moment.”
“I can’t commit to that right now”.
“That doesn’t work for me, but I appreciate you asking.”
“I’m not available for that, but I can help with a smaller part if needed.”
A calm and direct response is best.
4. Expect some discomfort
Setting boundaries can feel unnatural at first, especially if you’re someone who’s spent much of your life avoiding conflict. Feelings of guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong; it can be a sign that you are practising a new skill and pattern.
Try to also separate the boundary you’ve made from the other person’s reaction. You can be compassionate and still say no e.g., “I understand this is disappointing, and I’m still not able to commit to it.”
When to Seek Support
If difficulty in saying no is affecting your relationships, work, sleep, mood or ability to look after yourself, professional support might be your next step. A psychologist at Lakeside Rooms can help you understand your beliefs around people-pleasing, and give you skills to practise assertiveness, develop boundaries that fit with your comfort level, and in doing so help manage your anxiety.
Contact us today to arrange an initial appointment or speak with our team about whether psychological support may be right for you.
Help is closer than you think.
Read more evidence-based resources here:
“Expression of Hidden Stress: Shaping the Biopsychosocial…”, PMC, 2025.[pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih]
Psychology Today, “Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing,” 2024.[psychologytoday]